by Kevin J. Doyle –
This here’s a tale about a band of nice pirates called the Wonder Beards, who sail the open seas looking for ways to help people. They are known as the Wonder Beards because each one wears a beard longer and stronger than any cable, chain, or cord you’ve ever seen. In fact, there are hardly any ropes on their ship since the crew use their fantastic facial hair for most everything.
Not too long ago, on a bright sunny day, the pirates were sailing near the coast of Kerflunker when they heard loud screams coming from the nearby amusement park. First mate Rattybeard spotted with his telescope the source of the kerfuffle in Kerflunker.
“Some people arrrr trapped on da world’s biggest, fastest and scarrrr-iest roller coaster!” he shouted.
“Full sail ahead to Kerflunker beach!” Captain Graybeard said.
The Wonder Beards heaved and ho’ed and swung the sails around until they beached their ship at Kerflunker. Then, they all leaped down to the sand and stood around looking at each other. You see, none of them knew the quickest way to get to the giant roller coaster. It was a good thing they had a puppy on board!
“Go on, boy! Lead us to da coaster so we can save dem screamin’ riderz!” Dogbeard said. He was in charge of the pirate puppy, which simply meant he had to make sure the little doggie didn’t misuse the ship’s poop deck.
The yipping yapster put his nose down and raced away while the Wonder Beard pirates scurried along after. When they’d finally made it to the amusement park, they all stroked their beards and stared straight up at the enormous metal structure.
“Arrrrrr – it sure ‘tis the biggest, fastest, scare-dee-est roller coaster ever seen!” Captain Grey Beard said.
“Best head back to da ship, boy. ‘Dis here’s pi-rat biz’ness.” Dogbeard gave the pirate puppy a scratch on his head, and then watched him scamper back to the beach.
Unafraid, the pirates hitched up their pants, flung their long beards up like climbing ropes, and then skillfully scampered up the sides of the ride’s tallest hill. When they made it to the trapped group of riders, everyone cheered. The Wonder Beards used their fantastic facial hair to lower the thankful passengers to the ground. Afterwards, the good pirates scrambled around the roller coaster’s cars, searching for the reason why they were stuck.
“Here it be!” Stickybeard pointed at a wad of chewed gum that had glued one of the ride’s wheels to the track.
It was no surprise he was the one who solved the messy mystery. Stickybeard was the most candy-loving pirate you could ever possibly meet, and he never let anything sweet slip past. In fact, he’d be able to find a gray gumball on the face of the moon if you asked him to.
Without thinking, Stickybeard pulled the gooey chunk off the track and put it in his pocket for later. The roller coaster immediately began moving! Faster…faster… faster down the track it zipped with all the pirates desperately hanging on. They zoomed down the tallest hill and rocketed up another slope. Then, the whole lot of them shot right off the rails and into the clear blue sky!
The Wonder Beards rode the flying coaster cars over the rest of the amusement park and soon found themselves soaring above Kerflunker town square. And wouldn’t you know it, just when they were really beginning to enjoy the ride, the coaster lost its oomph and started falling straight down toward the roof of the famous Bodacious Bakery.
Quite coincidentally, earlier that morning, the master chefs at the bakery had finally finished preparing a humongous volcano shaped birthday cake. It was the biggest sweet-tooth-tempting creation anyone in Kerflunker—or the whole world—had ever seen. The cake was a present for the head baker’s son, and two huge cranes had just placed it on the roof for display. Right when the little birthday boy’s party had begun, the Wonder Beard pirates and the roller coaster plummeted from the sky and plowed smack into the middle of the gigantic dessert!
All over the Bodacious Bakery roof it looked exactly as if a real volcano had erupted. Only instead of smoke, ash and hot lava, it was chocolate cake, cherry red frosting, and goopy grey icing coating everything. You would think this sloppy surprise ruined the birthday boy’s bash, but it only made it better. Who wouldn’t love having a whole band of nutty but nice pirates LITERALLY crash their party? The boy, his friends, the bakers, and the Wonder Beards decided there was only one thing left to do. They’d simply have to dig in and eat the marvelous mess!
Captain Graybeard was about to bite into his first yummy glob of cherry frosting when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and to his shock, flying right in front of his eyes, was the biggest ladybug he’d ever seen in his life!
“Hello,” the huge insect buzzed. “We couldn’t help smelling your scrumptious snack. Could we share some of this tasty treat?”
Captain Graybeard then noticed a whole swarm of giant ladybugs buzzing about, each looking hopefully at all the bits and pieces of chocolaty-cherry yumminess.
“Aye,” he shouted, “swarm ye up and grub ye down! ARRRRRRRRR!”
Soon, every last bite of the birthday cake was devoured. Well, almost every bit of it. Dogbeard put a little under his hat to save for the pirate puppy, and Stickybeard, of course, hid a chunk of it in his beard. Next, they all took lots of funny photos with the baker’s boy who was thoroughly enjoying his most fabulous birthday party ever.
The fun and merriment quickly ended, though, when first mate Rattybeard once again spotted a big problem. Earlier, as you’ll remember, the pirates had beached their ship at Kerflunker. But since they’d been on land, the tide had gone out and pulled their big wooden boat back to sea. Using his telescope, Rattybeard could see it quietly floating away, and they all could hear the poor, lonely pirate puppy yipping in the distance. The Wonder Beards all fiddled with their facial hair, worrying about their little doggie.
“No problem!” the ladybugs buzzed. “We will fly you to your ship!”
Each pirate gratefully tied his beard to a giant ladybug leg and they all took to the air. However, they quickly found out that beards covered with slippery frosting are not good for gripping ladybug legs slathered with cherry icing! Luckily, they were able to barely hang on until reaching the water where, one by one, the Wonder Beards dropped off and cannonballed into the ocean.
Miles away from their ship with no hope of swimming fast enough to catch it, the soaked scalywags all figured they were washed up. Amazingly, a bubbly voice came to their rescue!
“Need some help?” it asked.
Captain Graybeard spun about in the water and found himself nose to nose with a shiny, silvery unicorn shark that had one horn and nine sharp fins sticking up out of the water.
“Aye!” he said. “Can ye pull us to arrrrrrr ship?”
The unicorn shark bubbled, “Of course! Grab on!”
The good pirates tried to take hold of each of the creature’s nine slippery shark fins, but they kept sliding back into the ocean because no one could get a grip. Suddenly, Stickybeard remembered the wad of chewed gum he’d pulled off the roller coaster track! He grabbed it from his pocket and used it to glue his hand to the unicorn shark’s horn. Then they all tied their long beards together so they could be towed into the sunset, safely on the way to their grand wooden ship.
As they merrily splashed across the sea, the pirates belted out their famous chant:
“Ever since I wuz, a wee little lad
I hearda ‘dem guys, who tweren’t so bad.
Da Wonder Beards, is der names
And doin’ nice t’ings, is der games.
Giv-um three shouts and dey always wins
Coz all dat magic hair ‘dats on der chins.
HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZ-ZATS!
We arrrrrrrr dem good PI-RATS!”
the end.
Question Time:
1. What is unique about the Wonder Beard Pirates?
2. How did they fix the roller coaster?
3. What happened at the Bodacious Bakery?
4. How did they get back to their ship?
